DNA Explorer

I was reading a list of this year’s new toys and apparently one of them is something called “Discovery Kids Ultimate Labs DNA Explorer.”

That’s right, a miniature DNA lab for children.

Who’s the marketing genius behind this fucking thing?

From the makers of “Fun with Forensic Accounting” and “What’s inside the Dog?” comes “Ultimate Labs DNA Explorer. Be the first on your block….to get beat up at school.”

Jesus. A couple gifts like these and kids will be begging for clothes.

(shakes box by ear)

“Oh God, I hope it’s a sweater...”

And imagine the look on your youngster’s face come Christmas morning, when they leap out of bed, race to tree, and discover: you’re not really their Father--after completing the experiments on page number three

Hell, forget about junior, imagine the look on your face.

Why, learning has never been so exciting!! This is a voyage of discovery the whole family can embark on.

"Dad, why does Mommy keep hiding the cord to my centrifuge?"

“I always wondered why the little bastard was so good at basketball. Damn you, Kobe Bryant.”

And sibling cruelty, well, it just got scientific.

"Oh you're adopted all right, Timmy. See the proportion of noncomplementary nucleotides in the interspecific DNA duplexes? That’s definitive proof you’re not my real brother. And that gene over there? That one means you’ll be going to summer school.

And you can forget about deceiving your little CSI propeller-head.

"So, Dad--assuming I can even still call you that--you claim Mr. Whiskers ran away sometime on the night of December 1st? Is that your story? Uh-huh. And you're sticking with that? Because fur and fiber evidence from the trunk of your car say different!”